Fuck it, I’m depressed.
I’ve been MIA and guess what? I don’t give a fuck. Fuck it.
My depression made a comeback pretty hard (cause, well, you know it never truly goes away) and I’ve been trying to just survive. My head is full of negative thoughts and my heart feels heavy with sadness for no apparent reason.
Maybe it’s my environment.
Maybe it’s my life circumstances.
Maybe it’s my partner.
Maybe it’s my pets.
Maybe it’s my job.
Maybe it’s my life.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I’ve done the reflective thing writing in my journal and tried to just “cheer up,” and take my therapists advice of “well you just have to reshape your thoughts” *insert eyeroll here*. But none of that is taking the sadness away. None of that is telling me that life is worth living. None of that is showing me a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s dark and gloomy and I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day and say fuck it to more than just my depression.
I’m on medication, shouldn’t that be working? I thought so.
I drink tea and read books for relaxation, shouldn’t that be working? I dunno.
I do all the things that someone get’s told when they have depression (including just trying to not have depression) and yet here we are. Shocking that doing exercise, getting enough sleep and eating healthy aren’t my magical cures!
So, fuck it. I’m just going to be in my depressed state. Whatever. This is who I am right now. Because there’s nothing more frustrating than expending all of your fucking energy trying to make yourself feel better only to be pulled down at the end of that effort. Like you’re climbing your way out of a hole and then you slip and fall right back down. It’s exhausting having to slap on a smile and fake it till you make it and it’s exhausting wishing I wasn’t feeling this way. So whatever.
Today I’m numb by 8am, wanting to cry at 9am, feeling alright-ish at 10, and now here at 1pm I’m still feeling the punches of my own mind against my skull. Exhausted mentally and physically tired of trying to pull myself out of it. Today I’m just done trying and will do what I need to get done that’s important and I’ll do it pissed off, sad, numb and on autopilot because I couldn’t give two fucks anymore.
Fuck it, I’m depressed.
❤️🩹