Who am I?

I never know what to write in these things, but it’s probably a good idea to at least introduce myself so ya’ll have some idea who tf I am. Or not. I probably won’t even get any followers. Why would I? I’m just some random girl trying to make people feel better about their stupid mental health even though my stupid mental health is stupid.

Welcome! My journey with mental health has kind of always been there as long as I can remember. Growing up I had family members that had mental health issues. Then fast forward to my growing into an old teenager that developed her own mental issues. Depression. Anxiety. ADHD. Joy joy. This led me down a pretty dark path for a long time. I was taught that medication was a weak thing to do and I should just eat better, get exercise, read books for mental stimulation, make sure I got enough sleep, bla bla bla. So when I ended up feeling like a bag of shit that felt the pull of the forever darkness I thought it was just…normal. I thought that was who I was forever. And it got darker and darker. Eventually I just wanted the intrusive thoughts and the pain to stop so I attempted to make it stop. Unless ghosts learned how to type, I was obviously unsuccessful.

There’s days I’m glad and there’s days I’m not glad about it. Surviving that is. But it no longer defines me and controls my life like it did before. I actually decided to try medications again with proper help and boy oh boy did I ever have an awakening when I FINALLY found the medication that worked for me. I’d finally felt like I could breathe again. And the sun felt nice, the rain smelled good and I enjoyed some positive feelings about life again. So that means I was cured right? So I could stop it cause I’m cured right?!

Nope. Wrong. Right back where I started. Fuck my life. Stressy and depressy all over again. This cycle repeated for a few years until I finally just acknowledged that I need medication like a diabetic needs insulin. Which is OKAY. It doesn’t mean I’m weak. It doesn’t mean that I’m faking it. It just means that my brain does things a little different and needs a little help to correct the behaviors that make me want to not be around.

During those times in my life I became more and more open about mental health and the importance of having people that are empathetic and understanding of your struggles. And not just in a bare minimum way with a fake smile and leaves you out of activities because you’ve cancelled three times and might just leave early because you’re overstimulated. I mean we need people to really see us. Understand on a deeper level the struggles that we face and that we’re trying. I’ve met a lot of doctors and therapists, and some understand but most don’t.

I worked in the health care field and saw first hand how people who were in the system were treated. Those with addictions were treated. Elders who couldn’t speak with words, but their eyes showed you the pain. My heart broke and I couldn’t take it, so I left. It took me a long time to get to a place like where I am now. And I’m going to try and make something of this so that my mission succeeds. I want to make people who don’t have mental illnesses, understand those who do. And I want to help those who do have mental illness have a safe space to truly be unapologetically themselves. Wounds and all, without the toxic positivity. I’m loading into the next chapter of my life, and I hope that this one’s better than the last.

So if you’re stuck in that in-between place, loading the next version of yourself on 2% battery with no charger in sight?

I see you. I am you.
And you’re absolutely not alone.

Thanks for being here. Truly.