Have you ever been asked how you are, only to have to smile and say “Oh I’m doing fine” or something bullshit like that? It’s almost like if we say that we’re not doing good it’s a shameful thing. You then get either dismissed, pitied or interrogated. It makes people uncomfortable so we lie. We lie about being okay, whether it’s to protect their feelings or our energy, and that’s not okay.
And the worst part? You might even start believing the lie. You say “I’m fine” so many times it becomes muscle memory. A part of you. Like your mouth just auto-generates this response like those ai automated bots everyone fucking hates. You could quite literally be falling apart inside, dealing with the heaviest shit, and it’ll still come out with a smile. Because that’s what people want. That’s what they can handle.
“Okay” becomes this weird performance. Like if you’re not okay, you’re failing at something. Failing at life. Failing at being a person. Failing at being digestible. And god forbid you say “I’m not okay” and don’t immediately follow it with “but I’m working on it” or “but I’ll be okay soon.” Like you have to offer a redemption arc just to be allowed to feel bad.
I hate that. I hate that being honest about your pain makes people squirm and that it’s treated like a stain in your personality rather than a valid emotional state. I hate that we’re expected to package our breakdowns into inspirational quotes and call it healing. When you have those moment of attempted validation inserted into your pain, it’s erasing the complexity of what you’re going through. It invalidates everything you’ve felt. Fuck that.
Sometimes I’m not okay and not working on it. I’m not journaling. I’m not meditating. I’m not manifesting better vibes. I’m just…here. In the fog. In the static. In the part of myself that doesn’t want to be seen, because being seen means being judged.
And honestly….I think that’s perfectly okay. It’s okay to not be okay. I think surviving without smiling is okay. I think showing up in your mess is okay.
So yeah. I’m not okay. And I’m not sorry about it.